Chapter 3: Learning Code is Depressing

Back for Day number 3. Outside of a little headache today I’m feeling pretty good so far. Nothing life altering has transpired yet, but who would expect such things so early in the process. Keeping true to my promise I will do my best to keep this concise and hit on the high points of my day and the most critical insights.


Today started out good. I managed to eat breakfast 2 days in a row and also I did green tea instead of coffee again. My early suspicions regarding my headache might be the lack of caffeine consumption over the past couple of days. I heard this was a side-effect of reducing your caffeine intake, but I don’t know for sure if that’s the reason behind what I’m feeling currently…especially with it being so early in the process.

I also cleaned and took care of myself as promised. I shaved and cut my hair, which is something I want to be consistent with every Wednesday and Sunday. This seems trivial, but during Covid I’ve really lacked effort in making sure I keep myself well-groomed.

As I tend to do most days, I spent some time studying code…and while I consider that a positive that leads me to my biggest insight of the day.



Let’s discuss this coding dream of mine. When I mentioned in the first blog entry in this series that I was going to be studying code, you might’ve assumed that this was some new passion of mine that I wanted to explore. Let me level set with you…this is not a new passion, not in the slightest. In the spirit of full transparency, which is what I intend for this blog, I’ve been studying code now…off and on for the better part of 2 years. I feel like I’ve learned a ton, but I honestly some days don’t know how to put it altogether and actually build anything for myself…I actually fear doing so, and that’s a major problem.

You might ask…what have you been studying exactly? Well…let’s list them off and let you know where I’m at in terms of my comprehension:

  • HTML – I’d consider myself very proficient / borderline expert in this
  • CSS – The same as HTML, I’m approaching expert status
  • JavaScript – I understand the syntax entirely…but some concepts like asynchronous programming and promises still give me troubles
  • Node – I get it, enough to get up and going
  • Express – I finally this year really put this together, still processing certain aspects like query params but overall I get the main concepts (which I’d say query params are also a main concept)
  • MongoDB – Oh my lord…this is the one that is puzzling me the most. I still need more practice, but I’m trying

If you couldn’t tell from that list, my focus has been very JavaScript heavy. I’ve really been working up to trying to become a full-stack developer, and I want to pursue a new career in this industry in 2021.

Right now I’m a UX Designer and I already have a strong background in design, to me it only makes sense to move into the space where I can gain the skills necessary to bring my creations to life with minimal or no assistance. That’s the goal. However, to date in my coding journey, I’ve built nothing comprehensive. I’ve integrated HTML, CSS, and a little JavaScript. I’m really puzzled with Mongo and Databases and I still know I need to get to React and Web Authentication / Security. Sometimes…this journey seems hopeless and it begins to feel like I’m wasting time.


Honestly, I’m open to suggestions if any programmers out there read this and have advice or want to take me under their wing. My gut instinct is to stop watching so many d*mn videos and start building things…even if they’re small right now. My mind has these grand visions of where I could be and it’s hindering me from swallowing my pride to build small projects. I’m even considering offering my services on a site like Fiverr for basically pennies. I do feel it’s important to get some real experience under my belt if I ever plan to get a job, which I don’t want a job forever, but I need the job in my opinion to strengthen my skills by having to apply them everyday.

I’ve tried a ton of Udemy courses, I’m subscribed to CodeCademy Pro, I’ve tried Free Code Camp, and I could just go on with all of the resources I’ve tapped into to try and become a developer…but I’ll stop there.

Tomorrow, I promise to figure out a better plan of attack for helping me feel like I’m making steps closer to helping my dream of working as a developer come true. I look forward to building my own passion projects and for whatever reason in my spirit I feel like this is the path I’m supposed to be on. I do get down on myself about it, but I’m not ready to quit…not just yet.


I know that each day is going to present a valuable insight. Tomorrow’s Monday, which I fear. I hate my job…you’ll hear me say that a lot, but I do. As these insights are revealed to me I’m making it my business to really spend time and explore these findings. I don’t just wish to explore them, but rather ideate on them and rapidly implement viable solutions that help me improve on that particular issue in my life. I’d encourage anyone who’s reading these entries to do the same. Life is hard, but I think the difficulty of it is compounded by the fact that most often we don’t stop to examine and resolve those things that cause us the greatest levels of stress and anxiety. Please, take a minute for yourself and really try to notice these insights as they’re presented to you and do yourself a favor by working to find resolution around them.

Thank you for reading and be blessed!

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