Another Long Night

Hooray! My blog is up. I made my first post on Oct. 29th. I didn’t publish it until last week…the second week of December. I’m a real go-getter right? Wrong. Sometimes sarcasm is a solid form of medicine to make the pain of being a procrastinator somewhat tolerable. It’s late and I’m up, yet again…as I tend to be. I can never seem to follow through with the things I aspire to do. I constantly complain about wanting to change my life but I am only consistent at one thing it seems…that thing would be the act of being inconsistent. It’s troublesome to think that this is possibly where my life has peaked. I’m a 34 year old man, who is a mid-level employee, in a job that provides me some level of financial stability with little gratification towards fulfilling a greater purpose in this existence. I’m obviously complacent. I can’t seem to get in bed before 1am, I can never seem to turn the television off, I can never seem to write the blog I’ve always aspired to have, I can never seem to build the projects I wish to build in my coding journey, I can never seem to find time to break out the sketch book and work on my drawing or branding, I can never seem to get my fat ass dad bod to the gym, I can never seem to get out of my own way. It’s sickening.

Some day I ponder how my wife stands me and what do my kids truly have to look up to. By many account some would say I’m a success, but by many personal accounts I’d say I’m currently a failure. This is not negative self-talk. It seems that way…but it’s not. I simply have a high level of self-awareness and everything that’s being stated is the truth. I’m not suicidal, but I do feel trapped.

The therapy is accepting that I can’t see the bigger picture. There’s so much wasted potential I see in myself, but the problem is sticking to conventions. I’ve never been a long game kind of guy, if the short game provide me comfort then why bother with the tough stuff, right? Wrong. I submit to my own complacency, but submission is becoming less of an option as my soul begin to grow restless. “There’s a disturbance in the force” if you will. I’m not a Star Wars fan but I can’t seem to avoid quoting it. Anywho, this is my journal. I don’t know just what it’s supposed to be exactly. I don’t know just what I’m supposed to be exactly. I’m just venting. I need to get my ass in gear and start making the changes I’ve set out for myself. I need to more consistent with going to the gym, building coding projects, sketching, recording videos, and sharing my thoughts to the World. I’m tired of waiting for permission to start my life, I’m tired of being fearful to take the first steps towards the life I desire, I’m tired of waiting for the perfect moment. I’m not getting any younger and my fear is I’ll die with nothing to leave to the World or my family.

Also, a bit off-topic…sorry to my long lost friends. Long and lost due to my lack of communication and being available. You all deserved so much better than me. I really am a crappy friend. If only you all knew how much I love you all. You were there through my entire journey to this point and you probably feel like I “got on” and abandoned you. I want to indirectly inform you, I didn’t…not intentionally anyway. I left you to go to school. I got my degree, and I got a good middle class job that afforded me a solid salary that many of you would probably envy. I moved into a pretty nice neighborhood and got the beautiful wife and family. You probably think…that I think…that I’m better than you. I got on and forgot about you. I didn’t. None of that is true. The truth is, I did all of that to find that at the end of it I still haven’t found what I was looking for during this journey. I found some forms of success, but I didn’t find my purpose. I found golden handcuffs, I cornered myself and am trapped by my middle class life and dependency on my corporate gig. I actually envy many of you and aspire to find the things that make my spirit feel full, just as some of you have. It’s not a money play, it’s a life play, it’s a play for freedom and happiness. I’m selfish and haven’t reached out to you because I just don’t know how to anymore. I’ve lost touch with those things that I love and tried to fit the mold of what I feel the world wanted me to be, and now in that world I find myself becoming more of an outcast. I’m starting to find loneliness and that I don’t fit in anyone’s box no matter how hard I try…and that’s okay. I’ll find my way back to you all with my head up and a smile on my face. I just want you to see me smile and want you all to be proud of me as well.

Thank you to my wife and kids, and family. You all are the brightest of spots in this dark and dreary existence I currently find myself living in. You all keep me grounded, inspired, and motivated to figure it all out…my life and how I wish to live that is. Without you I’d be even more lost than I already am. Anywho, I’m rambling. I could spell-check and proofread this shit and make it way more complicated…but I’m not. Perhaps one day I will, but today I just want to make progress…f*ck perfection. If you found this…and read it…well damn, you are the real MVP. I can’t imagine anyone finding this as of now. I promise I’ll update the site and make it look presentable. I spent a crap load on this wordpress page, thank goodness I didn’t purchase that fancy theme I was eyeing. I’m such an irrational, spur-of-the-moment kinda guy but sometimes I use sound logic with my decision-making.

May you all be blessed, and pray for me. I’m looking to make progress. Thanks.

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